Sick of it

This weekend was very sad. I enjoyed my time off, but my wife is sick. She got sick wednesday night. She has a virus which was diagnosed by the doctor. I am so scared because of the pestilence and diseases out there now. We have been sick together off and on since the summer. This world is so full of uncertrianties. One minute everything is ok, you are enjoying yourself and then all of a sudden, almost immedieatly, you are blindsided by dispair, problems, difficulties, and obsticles. I try to be positive and that is what has gotten me this far. But the world still hurts, no matter what you achieve or gain in it to make you feel better. That feeling subsides and emptiness sets back in and you are on the chase again. A chase for happiness, a chase for comfort, a chase for security, a chase for purpose. My uncle was diagnosed with late stages of cancer two months ago. The other week I was called out of my sleep at 2am to rush to the hospital to see his dead body. I view this live as a series of temporary pleaseres and long lasting grievences. As a child I only thoutht about the day presant. Lives were so simple and energetic. So full of promise and wonder. Children are clueless about the reality of the world. It is like taking the job of your dreams and then realizing you have to fight every day to keep it. It does not seem right. It is not right. I understand this world ( the system in which we live and function) itself is temporatry. Better things are ahead and that is were I have my hope, trust and faith.

He fell asleep

I had a sudden life changing event happen to me this morning. My close uncle has been sick for a while and he actually was admitted into the hospital last week. He was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Friday night I came home from work at about 9pm. My wife and I ate pizza, watched TV and went to sleep. My phone rang in the the middle of the night at about 3am. It was my father calling from the hospital telling me that my uncle fell asleep in death. I immediately felt a sharp pain in my chest. He wanted me to pick up my mother and meet him and my aunt at the hospital. My wife and I immediately got dressed and headed to my mothers and off to the hospital. We hot there and found the room where my aunt and my father were. We walked in and there my uncle's body was in the bed. This caught me off guard. My aunt was crying over him. My mother's eyes were glazing over. I felt my chest caving in as if an elephant was trampling on it. I hugged my aunt and listened to her express her last moments with him. We then stood speechless and decided to ask the nurses questions about the arrangements. Before we did that I asked that we prayed over this time of sorrow. Myself, my wife, my aunt, my mother and father all huddled together and I said a prayer. We wept for a few more minutes and then we left the room. My aunt wanted another minute alone. We then spoke with the nurses and left for my aunts house to inform her daughter and two grandchildren. This was a very sad moment.

Her feelings are precious.

Today was a dull and slow day. I was droopy and gray. My wife and I had a fight last night and it was all my fault. She is going through a depressing time because two years ago, this month, her mother passed. I worked from 1pm to 10pm. She was calling me that evening telling me that she was having a hard time dealing with it and she could not stay in the house by herself. I understood but not to the extent of seriousness that was there. She was waiting for me to get home and I stood talking for about 45minutes after work. When I got home she was upset and I wanted to talk it over. She refused to talk and wanted to be alone and I would not let her. I tried to keep her from going out of the bed room. This turned into her wanting to leave the house. It got to the point that she called a fiend of ours to come over and talk to us. I was upset because she did not want to talk to me. She was upset because I refused to let her be. I followed her around the house trying to make her talk. This was wrong. The lesson I learned is that I need to give my wife her space when she needs it. When upset, I cannot expect her to talk at that moment just because I want to. I also learned that I need to spend more time examining her feelings instead of assuming her feelings. We hugged and talked today, this wound has to heal, I understand. I am determined to nurse it back to health.

This Life

Sometimes I feel like life is too stressfull. Ahead full of stress is the death of may minds. I feel like I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders with shackled feet. What does life want from me. This life is selfish, it wants you to be preoccupied with this life to the point that you forget thay you will die someday. That is the joke. This life is full of temporary pleasure and long agonizing pain. It takes too much effort to stay happy. One second could create a lifetime of mysery, sorrow , and grief. This life is torture, this life is evil. I know this life is not all there is, but it seems like an eternity of dispair. It is funny how you cannot remember the moment you came alive. I guess because tecnically it may be at the moment of conception. But it seems as thought you were always here learning new things every day. As a youngster death was not in your plans (for the average healthy person). Life was so full of promise, you can't wait to be an adult so you can really live and experience life to the fullest. But the joke sets in. Life becomes a chase. A chase for more,and more. More of what. That is the big question. People on their deathbed cant even remember what the chase was all about. So easy is it to forget that someday it will be over with no rememberance, in "this" life.